This is something I hear from new parents A LOT! And its usually followed by 'the only place they will sleep is on me or their father/grandparent/etc'.
Believe me when I say that I was asking the same questions just over 3 years ago when my daughter was born. I had been working as nurse in a neonatal unit for 7 years and I thought as long as a baby was well fed, warm, and wrapped up like a spring roll they should sleep for at least 3 hours at a time.
Oh, how wrong was I!
Let me tell you why babies don't like to sleep in their cots - they're hard, cold, flat surfaces. We also have a tendency in our culture to try to put our babies to sleep in silent rooms. About the only thing we do get right is the dark.
What's so wrong with all that, I hear you ask?
Think about where they have spent the last 9 months. Go on, really think about it...
Yes, it's dark, but its also warm, curved, cushioned, and for the last few months, they are squashed up so tight anytime they move so much as a finger they are touching something. Their food was pumped into them directly, and waste taken away without them having to think about it via the placenta.
They can also hear the mother's heartbeat beating, her lungs breathing, her digestive system gurgling. During the day they are inundated with noises - voices, traffic, TV, radio, anything that the mother hears, the baby hears.
I recently read an article about a mother gorilla who wasn't paying much attention to her new baby. She was putting the baby down and walking away from him/her. The zookeepers were beside themselves with worry - why was this happening, did they need to remove the baby from her care? The baby would get cold, it would starve, it would die from neglect!
Yet in our society we expect a new baby to sleep well completely removed from us - it a quiet room, on a cold, hard, flat surface. Is it really any surprise that they don't want to sleep there??
Yes, in our society we have baby monitors, and blankets, and clothes and we would respond if the baby cried for our attention. But in reality our expectation that a newborn human baby would happily sleep in a separate room, far removed from other human contact is, in my opinion, ridiculous.
Another reason has to do with nutrition - their tummies are tiny. Breastmilk is easily digested so they have to be fed often. We accept that a newborn animal has to be fed regularly - even overnight. Our babies are no different. In reality a newborn human baby can find a breast while half asleep and yet we seem to think that a baby has to be crying to be hungry.
So what is the solution?
Well, the simple answer is hold your baby. You cannot spoil a new baby by holding them. And they will only be this little once, so why not lap up all the squishy, newborn baby cuddles you can get!
But in reality I know this doesn't always work - you might have other children who need your attention, the shopping needs to be done, the house needs to be cleaned, you need to eat breakfast/lunch/dinner, you want to go out for a coffee with friends, the list goes on.
This brings me to my next issue - the expectations we place on our new mothers to be able to do everything they used to do is unrealistic and unachievable. And in my opinion, is what causes the majority of postnatal depression in our society (I'd be really interested to know what the rates of PND are in traditional societies like African tribes or rural Asia....? Although I suppose they have other issues to deal with.)
A new baby eats, sleep, wees and poops. In my opinion this is exactly what new mothers should be doing as well - eating, feeding their baby, sleeping/resting, and going to the toilet. Nothing more.
I once said this to a new mother and her partner when she asked me about her baby sleeping. Her partner looked at me and said 'but who is going to cook dinner then?', I looked at him and raised an eyebrow. It took him a few seconds but then he realised the answer - he was going to cook dinner.
Having a new baby changes your life completely. You need to change your expectations. Even if it wasn't previously in your nature to do so, accept help from friends and family - if they want to come visit the new baby get them to do a chore.
A chore list taped to the front door - means you don't have to have the awkwardness of saying it to your friends/family and they can choose to quietly leave if they don't want to help
* Get a cleaner, or accept that the house will just be a little untidy for a few weeks
* Order your groceries online (Woolworths is now doing free click and collect - I did it on the weekend, it is A-MAZING! And no, I'm not sponsored by them ;) )
* Baby wear
Sleep with your baby in your room - this is a big one. I once had a mother ask how to get her baby to go back to sleep in the middle of the night. I asked about her routine. She said the baby would wake up crying, she would go feed her in her nursery, then she would spend an hour trying to get the baby back to sleep.
The issue here is that the baby has to wake up completely and start crying - 'HEY, I AM HUNGRY, COME FEED ME!!' she is saying. The mother then has to wake up, walk down the corridor to the nursery, and sit for 30mins+ feeding. The baby by this time has probably been awake for almost an hour, and is now over tired and can't figure out how to get back to sleep.
The mother said "but she was making noises, we couldn't sleep because I would wake up each time she snored or grunted". Yes, that's true but over time you get used to what is just a grunt and what is 'hey mum, feed me please'. Then all you have to do is sit up in bed (you don't even have to turn on a light), feed the baby, put the baby back in their bassinet/cot, pat her a bit (while lying down), roll over, and go back to sleep
* Spend more time resting and less time 'doing'
When my daughter was a baby my mother reminded me of something her mother told her - this is just a phase. Everything is temporary. Within a few months your baby will most likely sleep for longer stretches, they might even sleep through the night (or they might not, it took 2.5yrs for my daughter to not wake up in the night), they will start moving and wanting to explore their world and they won't want to be held all the time. You will be able to put them down and do things with 2 hands. Then one day they will grow up and go to school, then they will make friends and not even want to be at home. You get my point?
Remember parenting is one of the hardest things you'll ever do, but it is also one of the best.
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